Friday, May 20, 2011

Please see "Apocalyptic Events" in the employee handbook...

Dear University employees,

Given the media coverage of the predicted "Doomsday" event on Saturday, May 21st, we believe now is a good time to review the relevant HR policies surrounding the apocalypse and the resulting issues that may impact employees. We all must do our part to ensure business continuity!

For those who ARE raptured:

While salvation is never 100% certain, please notify your manager in advance if you believe you are likely to be raptured. You manager may assign you to a non-saved colleague for cross training to ensure a smooth transition of duties.

For those who are raptured, life insurance benefits will NOT be paid out to any beneficiaries who are not raptured or "left behind". The University's group life insurance policy clearly states that benefits are only payable upon the death of an employee. Since you will have achieved ever-lasting life, your policy would become null and void at the moment of rapture.

We ask that you be considerate of your non-saved colleagues and remove any food items from the common lunch area. To assist with this, we are organizing a "Fridge Cleanup" day on Friday to coincide with the possible apocalypse. The difficulties facing your non-saved colleagues will be significant enough dealing with post-rapture issues without the additional burden of sorting out unlabeled food containers.

Finally, we ask those who believe they will be raptured to refrain from using negative terms to describe those who may not be raptured. While the term "heathen" may be factually correct, it may lead to a drop in workplace morale. Instead, we encourage the righteous to use the more neutral term "non-saved" as demonstrated in this memo.

For those who ARE not raptured:

The heathen employees who are left behind will be expected to report to work on Monday as scheduled. Lateness will not be tolerated since (1) traffic should be lighter due to fewer commuters, and (2) SEPTA is predicting no rapture-related loss of staffing.

More than ever, it will be vital that remaining employees maintain a professional workplace environment. As such, the workplace dress code policy will continue to be strictly enforced. It may be a post-apocalyptic world outside the office, but it does not have to look like it inside the workplace.

Also, HR will be conducting a series of workshops to help remaining employees cope with the challenges of maintaining a healthy work/life balance in a post-apocalyptic world. We encourage employees to attend (with prior approval from your supervisor).

"Looting 101" -- The basics of gathering the basic necessities of life!

"Intro to Hoarding" -- All this stuff! Where do I put it?
(Prerequisite: Looting 101)

"Oops, Wrong Religion" -- Come to terms with being left behind and not one of the righteous through role-playing and improv games.

Finally, office supplies, desk chairs, telephones and computers of raptured employees belong to the University and should only be used for University related business. These items should be inventoried and reallocated as needed. Personal items of raptured employees, however, are fair game and may be ransacked at will. Please keep this mind in case you decide to use sick leave or a personal day following the rapture event.